… and why do I write what I write?
Good question. It sprung to mind because it’s something I’ve often asked myself ever since my ‘second wind’ as far as writing fiction is concerned started in 1999, but more particularly since my husband actually came out with it again last week.
In a way, I ‘write’ all the time or at least spend my life with the written word. I translate and edit for a living and have been doing for over 20 years. My work includes anything from publicity texts, technical or academic work or more philosophical things. Today, for instance, I’m working on legal documents, a brochure for a carwash chain and economics. Varied, it certainly is.
Some of what pops into my inbox can be less than thrilling but that’s part of a freelancer’s lot. Other texts, however, are superbly written in another language and it’s a glorious challenge to make the English version reflect that particular author’s mastery of a style, a mood or a topic. There are definitely worse ways of making a living.
What my job does not include is fiction, so there I have no professional ‘baggage’ whatsoever, although it (should or) does mean I have a fairly solid grasp of grammar, spelling and of how a piece of ‘writing’ is constructed. That’s not all it takes to be a ‘good’ writer, anyway – and that’s not the point here.
Even so, my work is all about reproducing something in a different language or at most tidying it up. These are not really my words or thoughts, in a sense. So on reflection, writing fiction (and rambles!) could be seen as some sort of rebellion or a sign of frustration, at least in part.
My web page sub-title reads “Writing – a hobby or a way of life”, and for me, the line between the two appears to be getting increasingly thin. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing (although a neglected garden, laundry mountains or starving family could occasionally indicate the contrary).
What exactly do I like about it, and why can it and does it seem to be taking over my life to such an extent?
Some people speak of writing as a ‘refuge’. When I was younger, I wrote because I loved words and adventures – I’m fairly sure it wasn’t borne of loneliness or anything else. I didn’t either want or need to share what I wrote, even. It was just ‘something I did’. Not a safe haven from something frightening or threatening, but a fun place to go.
Maybe I started again, to some extent, because it was somewhere good to escape to when life was tricky and a lot of my darker stories seem to reflect that. I’m starting to think one reason why I wrote slash, in fact, was probably because it was even further removed from the daily ups and downs than other types of fiction. Many issues such as fear, misunderstandings, frustration and pain somehow became woven into the stories. But it wasn’t just a form of catharsis aimed at getting rid of frustrations. I also wrote – and still do – when feeling bubbly, serene, or relaxed.
There’s that feeling when an elusive plot is constantly running through my mind, making whatever else that I really need to do (such as making a living) an absolute pain in the backside. But it’s wonderful. Frustrating, infuriating too, sometimes. Or how about moments when a bit of dialogue springs into my head that’s just so perfect it has to be committed to paper, to memory – now. And as for those characters who take up residence inside my head, and start insisting on being heard at the worst possible moments… it’s weird. Not altogether unpleasant but does indicate a slight tendency towards strange behaviour at times!
Writing is also learning – something else important to me and very much in tune with the part of my work which means spending a great deal of time reading up on new subjects. Plunging into an unknown area for the sake of a plot is a fascinating and essential part of the fiction process too. Finding an URL for a Palestinian gay rights association, for instance, sparked off a chunk of one story while I was looking for something else altogether. A chance discussion about where the Mafia was born formed the basis for another plot. Then there was the day when I really needed to know what mobile phones looked like in about 1990. Long live search engines and knowledgeable friends.
Speaking of search engines, my list of browser bookmarks could best be described as ‘odd’ to an outsider, in fact. It runs from lists of Arab names to the Virtual Naval Hospital, an international glossary of swearing, sites on weaponry, politics, health farms, drug addiction, and many more. I’m sure I’m not the only one. But hey, the things you find!
Discovering sites that give an author’s view on grammar or writing in general, or on writing fan fiction and slash in particular, is another part of the learning (and fun) aspect of it all. I owe a great deal to Arduinna and her wonderful site at:http://trickster.org/arduinna/chresto.html - her explanations of many things are extremely pertinent, funny and memorable. Oh, and it finally allowed me to grasp the semi-colon after being cowardly enough to avoid the damn thing for nigh on twenty years. Don’t tell my clients.
And how about people-watching? Time no longer drags at airports, on trains, or in waiting rooms. If I’m not plotting, I’m watching the guy with the briefcase and the horrible tie, mentally sizing him up as a potential character. Lots of people’s little habits or sayings get transposed into other situations and stories too. Saying that a lot of writing comes what you’ve seen and felt is very true.
I’m fortunate to have travelled a lot, for both business and pleasure. Just like ‘borrowing’ ideas for characters from observing people around me, locations are another source of inspiration. Everywhere I go is a setting in the making, from a dusty museum in Morocco, an airport bristling with men in flak jackets in Hungary, a featureless resort in Israel or a bustling street in East Africa. Research is one thing, Google is fantastic, but seeing, hearing and smelling something is another. It doesn’t have to be somewhere exotic, either – Luton airport and the all-pervasive smell of greasy chips can be just as effective!
Even some technical aspects that surround getting fan fiction onto the Internet have their moments. There isn’t a lot that would force my own brand of fuzzy logic to try and grapple with html, but I did. I have a long, long way to go but it’s yet another thing opening up to me. I like to see a story looking good visually, even if it’s ‘only’ the packaging. I love finding doodads to go on the website too. I like it a bit less when my homepage all slides down to collapse with a thud at the bottom of the page because I’m unsuccessfully grappling with a webring or a temperamental font. At that point, it’s usually time to reach for a glass of wine and kill somebody (in a fictional sort of way, of course). Catharsis, remember?
Still on the ‘good’ side I can’t think of many more fun things than bouncing ideas off a fellow author, or when a scene just seems to write itself. What could be better than feeling that suddenly a scene, a plot or even a bit of dialogue somehow works, either thanks to tossing various aspects to and fro or just because it’s a ‘good writing day’?
Co-writing is a kind of extension of the ‘bouncing ideas’ notion and was something I didn’t know if I could do. Then I gave it a try with Naomi (Loyalties) and Kelsey (Shadow). It was quite simply one hell of a ride in both cases. Each writer seems to spur the other on. Each throws in little titbits for the other to pick up on. Countless hours are spent chuckling happily over the plot that threatens to get away or bolstering up the ‘other half’ when it’s not quite going how it should. Again, I’ve been very lucky as it all came together and in both cases, neither of us threw in the towel before we came up with the final product. What’s more, I think we all had fun as well as learned a lot about writing and how others do it.
Writing a story jointly isn’t something that would work for every combination of authors or every story, I think. When it does work, though, sparks (of the good kind) fly. Believe me on that.
Experimenting is another topic that probably deserves a ramble of its own, but on my own ‘list of good things’ it shouldn’t be missing. Slash in itself was an experiment for me. So was writing in the first person present. Just as I enjoy cooking and eating oriental food some of the time and at others fancy something completely different, I don’t always want to read or write dark stories, adventure, humour or even something fluffy and romantic. If some people prefer a single type of cuisine every day, that’s their business but for me part of the fun is treading new ground. Still using the cooking analogy, it might not always work. That extra bit of spice might be a little too hot, or the nice basic roast might be ruined by overdone vegetables. Until you try, however, you won’t get the recipe right. You might never be a famous chef even when you’ve given your best, but so what? You have fun trying and improving.
What’s less the attractive side then? Is there one? Well of course there is. Nothing’s perfect except perhaps a nice chilled bottle of Pouilly Fumé and even that can be corked.
One thing I found hard at first was realising that even if I can spot a typo at a thousand yards in other people’s texts I am totally incapable of seeing my own when writing fiction. I have been mortified, have cringed under my desk in shame a thousand times over, and still my mind refuses to see them. What’s wrong with ‘it flied out of the window’ or somebody’s private ‘jest’ that they used to fly away on? Ah, okay.
I also know that having what could (generously) be termed a not very mathematical mind means that I can’t count my villains or handle numbers in any shape or form. This makes shoot-outs and other fun gatherings even more of a hit and miss affair than usual, for example. And plots? Those are the things with loopholes you can fly a jumbo through, right?
Thank goodness for the individuals who go by the name of betas, editors, correctors and proofreaders and who volunteer to lend a hand. They can look at your story with a degree of distance that most writers can’t achieve. So that’s not a bad side at all really and unlike corked wine is reversible. A bit of missing punctuation or even a bad guy or two in excess of requirements aren’t what should put anybody off. That’s really not what makes a story good or less so, although it can be off-putting to a reader if it’s not corrected. So I do my best, count on my fingers and do at least try not to make grammar and spelling mistakes that I’d shoot a translator working for me for not seeing. The rest I happily send along to an editor I trust. I’m not going into good and bad editing now, but I certainly will elsewhere.
Then there’s that little thing called ‘writer’s block’, which accounts for a great deal of ink being spilled and much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the world of fiction, both amateur and professional. So far I’ve been fairly lucky on that score. Yes, there are times when a story grinds to a halt, goes through a re-write or generally doesn’t work. To borrow a phrase from a fellow writer, some bits I write can sound like Janet and John (at best). There are also days when the characters simply refuse to play the game, the threads cross and tangle, and the narrative rapidly slides into ‘how to say the same thing in three different ways without ever getting the message across.’
Fortunately, there’s always the option of abandoning the offending paragraph, chapter or story, hitting the delete button (ouch, but sometimes the only way), or letting it simmer. It’s a luxury I can afford. No publisher is anxiously awaiting my masterpiece. There are no deadlines. I’ve found that starting another snippet or story usually gets me moving again, and rather than getting stressed and bewailing my lack of inspiration I go and read something (or reluctantly attack the laundry mountain) if it doesn’t. Sure enough, the ideas seem to come trundling back when they feel like it. Will this last? I certainly hope so.
This is amateur fiction – which doesn’t mean it’s of lesser quality and that’s another topic – but once again no publisher or editor is going to curb my freedom of expression or stop me flinging it on the Internet. At worst, it’s necessary to keep an eye on rating its content and making sure some innocent adolescent isn’t going to have his horizons unwittingly broadened. Beyond that, the sheer liberty of fiction published on the Internet is another good thing.
A very short word on criticism now, which like quality and feedback and editing is a major theme when any writing or fan fiction group heats up. Criticism, and being exposed to it, are often seen as a ‘bad’ side, but that’s rather a narrow view. You can’t really progress without outsiders pointing out things you maybe don’t see, just as editors or ‘beta readers’ do regarding the structure and ‘nuts and bolts’ of your story.
Criticism – even of the positive kind – can certainly hurt. I’ve been there and don’t think there are many ‘new’ writers who haven’t suffered at some point. How can anyone fail to see just how brilliant the story is? Or dare to find fault with it?
Or perhaps somebody just says ‘it’s fine’, but why haven’t they seen that particularly inspired bit of plot? That tiny little twist? Well, because they didn’t have time, didn’t notice, or spared your feelings because basically they were less than impressed.
Harsh criticism is ten times worse to take on board, of course, and particularly if you lose sight of the fact that the person giving it is (or should be) telling you that the story has faults, not that you’re an illiterate halfwit. We’re talking about writing here, not personal relationships – it can get complicated when the two mix but again, that’s another issue.
Like most normal human beings, I don’t like feeling I’ve failed in some way. What I try and bear in mind, however – and I’m not saying I always succeed – is that first of all an opinion on any story reflects one person’s taste and not necessarily everyone’s. Maybe, too there’s something in the criticism that coincides with a few of my own doubts. So I can take it on board, or part of it, or leave it. Again there’s a positive side to all this (once I’ve stopped sulking). The mere fact that somebody’s taken the time to read the story in question is good, right? Another take on grammar (rules aren’t always rules and again that’s another story) or on my characters can be stimulating.
So again, the bad side isn’t that bad unless one wrong word makes you flounce off, slamming the (real or virtual) door and swearing you’ll never write again. And who, pray, is that hurting most if you enjoy it?
What I write – and enjoy writing – at the moment is fan fiction. I like it, despite (for me) the undeniable embarrassment factor as far as the ‘outside world’ is concerned, and particularly when it comes to slash. I think it concerns me less as time goes on, but it’s still there. I wish it wasn’t, but I can’t change it.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to cheerily mention to friends and clients alike that I spend countless hours writing about guys (who are sometimes gay) in a television show. I’m not counting on it, though.
So why on earth do I write that?
Firstly, the ‘sharing’ and ‘community’ aspects of fan fiction attract me, without a doubt. This interplay, including the potential for ‘feedback’, is important to some writers, myself included. It helps gain an idea of whether people like or detest our stories, for whatever reasons. Feedback is, however, a complex subject and not one I want to ramble about here. Let’s just say that I don’t think any writer could honestly say they don’t appreciate at least the positive comments on a story. Motivation and encouragement are wonderful things.
Every fandom has a following (how about that for stating the obvious), so it means to some extent that a potential readership is handed to you neatly, on a plate. There will even be some people in ‘your’ group who are going to lap up every word of every story that appears on it, often regardless of whether or not it could be considered ‘well written’. Being a fan as well as a writer, I tend to be less than discerning on that score myself. There are days when a fix of any sort is better than none, even if I make extensive use of the delete button afterwards.
I’m not going to get into a discussion of either quality or feedback within fan fiction here – those are further vast and controversial topics. It’s worth bearing in mind, though, that other people may gush at one story and tear another apart, in private or public, whether justifiably and fairly or not, but that’s par for the course. You sign up, you get the whole package.
What I’m not doing is writing fan fiction because I’m expecting my inbox to explode with long essays on my brilliant little touches, watertight plots and exquisitely drawn characters – or even on how useless I am – although I’ve had a few comments going to both extremes. Like many more people, I believe, I went through an extremely naïve phase while I was first writing Professionals stories and hoped for more input. Reality kicked in fairly rapidly.
However, I’m extraordinarily grateful for those who do take time within already busy lives to offer praise, constructive criticism and will always feel as though I’ve been given a million dollars when a comment about a story (preferably not something obscene as that gets binned) pops up in the mail. Some remarkable people have helped me avoid or at least notice some of the things I do wrong in my writing. What’s more I’ve gained friends whose opinions I trust and who have given help and support that goes far, far beyond my stories.
Fan fiction can also be a ‘springboard to greater things’, i.e. writing commercially published, original fiction. I know this is true for some people, whether they set off with that in mind or not. That wasn’t why I started – that was an impulse, with fun in mind, and I honestly thought I’d write one story and that would be all. Uh-huh. I haven’t actually counted either stories or pages, but it’s gone a whole lot beyond that!
The idea of ‘original fiction’ often tantalises me though, despite being aware of the pitfalls and obstacles awaiting a would-be author of any kind. I don’t have the time or more importantly the drive to go about looking for a publisher right now. I haven’t ruled it out, but I’m not under any illusions either.
So much for writing fan fiction, which has been a revelation in every possible respect. I enjoy it and see no reason to stop. It’s about sharing and it’s a way to let my loose my love of words and fantasies. It’s what I want to write at the moment, with no more ambition than pleasing myself and anyone who wants to read it.
Conclusion time (one of the trickier bits of writing).
I love writing (cue clichés) for all the reasons I’ve mentioned and probably some I’ve forgotten. It’s somewhere between a hobby and an obsession but has most definitely become a way of life. It has mainly good things, a little that’s less easy to cope with, but nothing insurmountable.
Finally, I’d recommend it to anyone who has even vaguely thought of trying their own hand at it, or at least as long as they can live with laundry mountains, a few ups and downs and insistent voices that wake you up at night.
You never know whether you can do it until you try, and help is always at hand, in many forms. The world doesn’t only need world-class chefs, but also other cooks who have fun with what they do and enjoy sharing (some) of what they produce. That, I think, it what it’s all about.
